Tonight at the Reagan Derby

Historic Reagan Downs in Simi Valley, California will play host to the most tedious ninety minutes in politics, the first leg of the 55^th Run for the White House! Hello everybody, I’m Bob Costas proud to be with you today, mint julep in hand. The initial field is set today on a gorgeous day in California, and the track is running fast. However, many longtime followers of this race are not as enthusiastic about the field as they have been in races past. For more, let’s go down to Tom Hammond for a look at the lineup and the current odds.

Thanks, Bob. What some have called a weak field this season is due to take its first lap around the track where the great Ronaldus Magnus ended his final journey. Each candidate this year is almost certain to run or even look like Ronaldus Magnus and try to remind voters of him. Notable scratches this year include Ordering Law and Grich Blitz, both of whom could be late entries in other legs of the Run for the White House. The early frontrunner, out of New York, is Gracie Mansion in Lane One with 3-1 odds. Barbara Ann is in Lane Two with 7-2 odds. In Lane Three, a long shot facing 20-1 odds, is Tommy Boy. California’s own Armed Service is in Lane Four at 22-1. Salt Lake is in Lane Five at 4-1 odds. In Lane Six is Brownback Mountain at 15-1. At 9-1 in Lane Seven is Razorhuck, he’s from the same state as Slick Willie, who we all know won the Triple Crown in 1992 and 1996. Chairman More is in Lane Eight at 9-2 odds. Lane Nine hold’s the race’s dark horse, Doctor No, who is facing 50-1 odds. Finally, in Lane Ten is Gringo Star at 35-1. Now let’s go down to the track with Chris Matthews and the call to the post.

The candidates are entering the gates and the most tedious ninety minutes in politics is about to begin! There’s the call to post . . . and they’re off! Gracie Mansion is first out of the gate with a steady start on the Iraq War with a field of candidates behind him. Salt Lake running smoothly is catching up and Barbara Ann is covering his best ground at a furious pace! There’s a group of candidates behind the leader trying to catch up with Armed Service drawing attention to his experience, Brownback Mountain sidestepping, and Gringo Star tripping up every few steps. Far behind there’s Doctor No who seems to be running the other way! The candidates are turning the first corner now and jockeying for position on the War on Terror. Gracie Mansion is still in front with a slight lead over Salt Lake who is running smoothly and Barbara Ann who’s frustratingly trying to catch up. They’ve all got a comfortable lead on the rest of the pack who seem to be going nowhere.

We now head in to the straightaway on values with a down-the-line question on abortion. Brownback Mountain leads the charge of candidates to the right and picks up the pace. Barbara Ann runs softer but more dependably this time and Salt Lake tries shifting toward the middle of the track. Here’s Gracie Mansion still in the lead trying to shift from the left to the right and back again. And Gracie Mansion starts to stumble as he charges in a different direction from the pack! They continue on the values path and in to the corner on stem cell research. Brownback Mountain continues to surge to the right of the track, Barbara Ann running dependably in the middle, and Gracie Mansion trying to regain his early pace. Now it’s Salt Lake in the lead as his steady pace overtakes Gracie Mansion!

Down the stretch they come as bloggers from a left-wing website throw in obstacles to try and trip up the candidates! Salt Lake slows and turns to avoid a poorly-thrown question on hating America. Gracie Mansion leaps over a difficult road block on the difference between Sunnis and Shiites and regains his pace, but still trails Salt Lake! Here’s Doctor No returning to respectability with a boost on abolishing the IRS, but he’s still far behind. Salt Lake continues his smooth stride down the final straightaway and Salt Lake has won the Reagan Derby! It looks like Gracie Mansion will place and Barbara Ann will show. The first leg of the 55^th Run for the White House is over, with many, many more to go and the field certain to change with each event along the way. We thank those who attended tonight and the dozens of viewers who tuned in and watched at home! For Tom Hammond and Bob Costas, I’m Chris Matthews. Good night from Reagan Downs!